Weekly Roundup: NEW YEARS EDITION / by Noor Kalouti

Happy New Years! Welcome to 2019, I hope your hangovers are bearable and if they aren’t, I hope your bosses’ hangover is worse than yours!

Like many music blogs, I am posting a ‘reflection’ post on 2018, but rather than being positive and nostalgic, I am choosing a different route—here’s my roundup of the worst songs of 2018!  Finally, I get to take off the mask of a supportive, encouraging music blogger and show you the hater I truly am.

Ranked from bad to awful/why was this ever recorded, choosing only 7 bad songs from 2018 was a strenuous task. With that said, it was done. Please don’t enjoy any of these songs—that was not my intention—but do enjoy my short & witty critiques (I’m not about to waste a whole A4 page on these tracks.)

Supplies: Justin Timberlake

I love you, JT, but what is that ‘brrrrr’ ad-lib? I know, there are a lot of pressures to stay relevant, and I encourage you to explore new styles, but do so with the knowledge of your strengths as a musician. This sounds forced and I can hear (and see) your mid-life crisis from here.

P.S. Your music video is off-putting, creepy and confusing. Was it supposed to be deep?

Drug Addicts: Lil Pump

Mr. Lil Pump, Sir. We all know you do drugs, but thanks for this, we forgot.

Why are you so obviously trying to be a bad influence on your teenage listeners? And why is Charlie Sheen the poster child for this? It feels like your exploiting his drug problem and making it a brand. Also, he looks so unhappy in this video.

Is this satire? If so, I’d be surprised… Please refer to Kendrick’s track “Swimming Pools to write better satire.

Gucci Flip Flops (ft. Lil Yachty): Bhad Bhabie

Oh! So DJ Suede remixed a sample of you from a viral video saying rude things on TV; that must mean that you have the talent to be a rapper! Of course, all you need is money and a bad attitude.

No, that is not all you need—that was sarcasm. First of all, you sound younger than you actually are on this track, I’m surprised you didn’t auto-tune your voice to sound more intimidating and less like a whiny teenager. Second of all, wearing Gucci flip flop’s does not make you hood. Finally, I can’t take you, or your Gucci flip flops, seriously.

Kream: Iggy Azelia & Tyga

I’m just mad someone let you tribute Wu-Tang’s track “C.R.E.A.M.”  And why? This song has more to do with ass than cash. Iggy, I really don’t like your music, it makes people dumb. Stop it, switch careers.

The Middle: ZEDD, Maren Morris & Grey

You sound like every other pop-song collaboration. It’s formulaic, predictable and recycled. Try, if you can, to be unique.

Here are some of your clones:
I’ll Be There

P.S. What’s worse is that you have a sample of ticking clock repeated throughout the song and it’s infuriating.

Ocean to Ocean: Pitbull

Bad music for a bad movie; you’ve found your niche, Pitbull. I’m happy for you, but not happy you ruined Toto’s “Africa; a good, wholesome song that does not need to be tainted by your haughty reputation! Some kid is gonna credit you for that classic chorus, which is NOT OKAY. I am not okay with that.

Parmalee: Hotdamalama

Allow me to vent: Is “Hotdamalama” supposed to be hot dame? No, it sounds like “hot lama.” Did you really compare a beautiful woman to a 5 dollar, first-class ticket to Chattanooga? That’s nice, I guess? Finally, ‘Parmalee’ sounds like a hipster restaurant’s rendition of a basic chicken-parmesan sandwich. Your band sounds like a sandwich. Good day.